Ex-President's Day Sale Set For Crawford
Written by Crystal Air Sunday, 15 February 2009 07:35
CRAWFORD, Tex. (CAP) - The financial crisis roiling world markets has apparently caught up with its chief architect, past President George W. Bush.
"You know, uh, my predecessor made many mistakes, and I think it's only fair that he shoulder some of the burden and responsibility for getting us past them," President Obama said during a Sell-The-Stimulus town hall in Cleveland yesterday. "This Monday we're going to have an ex-President's Day Sale, and that brush-infested pig farm in Crawford is what we're going to be selling."
Aides to the current commander-in-chief confirm that President Obama has signed an executive order seizing the 1,583-acre Prairie Chapel Ranch, or Bush Ranch, citing eminent domain. The "Western Whitehouse" is slated to be auctioned off on President's Day as part of a celebrity-filled fundraiser designed to blunt the cost of past executive misadventures.
"Oh, it's going to be a great day, with musical acts and Texas BBQ, maybe even a dunk booth, some clowns," Obama senior advisor David Axelrod told CAP News. "We're this close to getting Harvey Fierstein locked in as guest auctioneer. It should be a great President's Day, and hopefully a profitable one, with money from the auction going to pay down the Iraq War, some of our more cranky creditors, and maybe even a little of Secretary of State Clinton's campaign debt. We'll see!"
While there was no immediate reaction to the seizure of his property from ex-President Bush himself, his part-time secretary/driver/man-servant Esteban said his boss seemed disappointed to be losing his beloved ranch.
"Senior Bush hit me, harder than usual, and said bad words about the liberals," Esteban confessed in an emailed statement. "Then Tom and Jerry come on, and he forget. So, kind of sad, in an ADD kind of way, si."
As for Crawford itself, its residents remain philosophical about losing their star resident.
"I already own a thousand acres of dust that don't grow shit, what do I need a thousand more for?" asked one resident as he lingered over his coffee at Crawford's sole eatery, the Coffee Station.
"If they're planning on auctioning off some of them machine gun nests and killer lasers they got around the perimeter to the to place, I'll put in a bid on some of them," said the man's wife.
"Oh well, shit, that goes without saying," agree the husband. His eyes settled briefly on a plaque beside the Coffee Station's door that carried the official Crawford motto: "1295 miles from Washington DC, 97% white, and ARMED TO THE TEETH!"
Information on the ex-President's Day Sale can be obtained by contacting the US Attorney General's office (extension 317) or the Crawford Chamber of Commerce.
Read the original satire at Crystal Air
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